I observe hundreds of emotions bubbling in me throughout the day. Angry, joyous, clear and calm, fed up, hopeless, happy… It wasn’t always like this though. I didn’t used to notice them at all.
So it’s a real turn on to notice the presence of all those emotions, acknowledge them, feel them, embrace them and let them to keep bubbling up and away as they meant to…
Anxiety and depression used to be my lifestyle. Yes I made it into a lifestyle.
Let me tell you about one of my very creative coping habits/mechanisms! (I now can really smile at all of those-little-tricks-up-my-sleeve to mask what was going on inside me.)
Anytime I felt my stomach turning from the constant anxiousness, or felt the ever present high stress levels in my body and mind, I waved my wrist in front of my nose and sniffed in the calming fragrance of frankincense that I rubbed there as part of my morning routine as soon as I got out of bed. I felt the temporary peace rushing over my body and mind as the fragrant hit my nervous system.
Nobody knew I was surviving each day with my ‘elegant’ ways of coping. It was even hidden from me.
Anxiety was my daily norm and it took me a while to register that this was actually happening.
Finally, one day I thought to myself: “shit, I am depressed…!” …and the journey to get out of it started, in secret.
The GP signed me off for a week writing ‘unwell’ as a reason so I didn’t have to tell the truth at work why I was off. I didn’t tell anyone that I started counselling, or going to support groups.
Things started to change. I started to change… I discovered personal and spiritual development… I descended to meet my soul and got to know me and continuously do, everyday. I grow. I feel. I release. I open up. I take action. I live. I love.
It hasn’t happened overnight. It was a journey of crying a lot, laughing, resisting, feeling amazed and amused or shocked at times about the stuff I realised about myself but I was feeling lighter, stronger and happier as I went on.
It happened over time. I became the foundation of me and I let go of anxiety as well as worked on defining and creating what I desired instead.
So I swapped my anxiety lifestyle to happiness lifestyle, empowerment lifestyle, freedom lifestyle, joy lifestyle.
As time passed, I had more love and kindness for me. I created new habits to take care of my spirit. I learned to nourish and nurture myself and my joys and dreams. My life is not perfect but I wasn’t looking for perfect. I was looking for me and building an intimate relationship with me.
This is how this relationship looks like now:
I check in daily how I feel.
I cleanse my heart and mind daily.
I make a choice every day how to feel and who I want to be.
I honour every single emotional turmoil that shows up and let it teach me another speck of gold.
Sometimes, I get in a swirl but I don’t lose my balance anymore.
I created beautiful practices for the soul and feel honoured and excited to be able to hold the space for other women to become whole, grounded, mentally, emotionally strong, and balanced and just step into the woman they meant to be.
Because happiness is a choice.
I choose to get grounded and connect back to me each day.
I choose to love me and my life.
I choose to keep up and build empowering habits
I choose to create clarity and act from there
I choose to stay in momentum
I choose to face my fears and let go of blocks
I choose to be courageous and make decisions…
I choose joy
These choices are my norm now.
What do you choose?
With love xxx
Modern Goddess Moon Journal – Entry: September 2018 Waxing Moon